What Is This Feeling?

Alright, no filter 2020. We’re going to get deep and personal. Reader discretion is advised. 

If we check out the About The Lamp page, we see some cute factoids about ours truly. One of which is the classification of my sexual orientation. I (probably didn’t) came up with the term Vibesexual meaning I’m attracted to people and if I can vibe with them, there’s a chance for a romantic relationship. Some may say this is similar to Pansexual, but I like to look at it as more of a spiritual class. The emotional and physical part is secondary to the connection of spirituality. I like this term. I think it fits under any umbrella and let’s us live however we’d like. That being said, I’m struggling with my sexual orientation.

It’s hard to be a proclaimed lover of women, but never having dated a woman in my life. I used to blame it on not having more diversity or representation in the land of entrapment, but it’s 2020. There shouldn’t be any excuse at this point. Everyone is into something. Just got to find another that is into that category. Lately, I’ve been wondering why I haven’t found my category and here, on this cold February night, I have decided to unpack my problems with women. This should be fun.

After a few anxiety attacks and conversations with myself, this is how I’ve deconstructed things; I’m a woman who likes women and men and I know for certain that is true. I’ve always known that. But every experience I’ve had with a woman has been shared with a man. I’ve been in a few threesomes in my lifetime and that’s the only kind of connection I’ve had with other women. For someone who identifies as vibesexual, that’s not very vibey.

It’s always been difficult for me to attempt any relationship with women who I view as “alpha” because I grew up in a fairly competitive/masculine environment. (3 older brothers and a strong-headed mother can do that to a person.) My type of quirky personality tends to lead me to gravitating towards men. Not just for sexual/romantic partnership, but I really am one of those girls that always has more guy friends than female. In my eyes, it was simpler. Women are beautifully complicated individuals and intellectual goddesses. As much as I admire that, there’s a level of fear that fits in to it as well. 

For me, it’s been easier to be around men and act like a silly goose because the majority of the time, they don’t care. Guys don’t give a fuck. We’ve all seen some man scratch his balls in public and sniff his fingers. (I know I’ve seen it, they know I’ve seen it and they still don’t care.) So if I surround myself with male energy, I feel more inclined to conform to that which is already a large part of who I am. On the other hand, women and I have always struggled to find that matching energy. 

Thinking back on any relationship I’ve had with females, I have noticed a pattern. We’ll start off really well, something goes wrong and then it collapses. After a few months-years, we’ll reconnect and be fine with each other. That’s how it was with my mother, with one of my best friends, with every girl I’ve ever been interested in. Discover, destroy, rebuild. That’s why I find it hilariously ironic that I joined a sorority, but the cycle continues anyway. 

This lack of experience with female interaction has me questioning my sexual freedom. If I continuously ignore the problem, how or when will it get resolved? The obvious answer is everything that I already preach; Just do it. Fuck it. Life is about taking chances and living, so go live. But here comes this deep insecurity that I’ve buried under years of dick and there’s not a lot of people (or any) to assist in this journey of self-discovery. Once again, I’m doing another thing solo. I guess what I’m saying is girls are scary. I wish they didn’t intimidate me, but they do. I wish there was a handbook I could purchase or a college course, but alas, there is not. It be like that. Et c’est juste la vie.  

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