I’m gonna be honest. When I started this blog, there was no purpose to it. I was sad and alone, needing someone to cry to, so I chose the internet as any kid raised with the internet would do. Those first couple of posts were pretty fire IMO, but there was never any structure to build this site to what I wanted it to be. I think that’s because I never thought about the message I wanted people to see.
I’m a big advocate for standing up for what you believe in, so when I began to notice that my personal mental health intertwined with the reality of the world I was living in, it felt like fate saying, “Hey, you have the stone, you can kill 2 birds. Or as many as you want, take them all out.”
What was I to do; not listen to the higher powers of the universe? That’d be stupid. I had felt my calling, I just didn’t have a plan (and I so desperately love/want/need to have a plan.) So I started the only way I thought I could; by writing what I know. It was going good until mid-pandemic when I felt like I didn’t know anything anymore. Instead of trying to ‘focus on the light’ and figure it out, I sunk into my depression hole and fixated on the future.
‘What else could I rant about? Was the any reason to continue this? There is, but it needs more. Maybe I can redesign the website, or-oh! Maybe I could combine my art with my blog. Or maybe the content needs to change entirely. No, I want the website to have all my passions on one page and people can know me like that. Fuck it, I’m gonna be a DJ. Fuck that, I just don’t exist.’
I had been constantly worrying about the ‘what comes next’ that as soon as life started to continue for me, I was riding a train that I didn’t remember buying a ticket for. No worries. I always felt that I was an adaptable person and usually, I am. The problem was for the first time, I didn’t know what I was adapting into. It sounds silly, because I’m sure in the past, I didn’t know where I was going to end up. On some level, I really did know though. I knew I was going to end up on a stage in high school, I knew I wasn’t going to have many friends, I knew I was going despise science and math classes, because I always stuck to what I was good at. So I knew the general vicinity of where my goals were.
Most of our lives are dictated by something or someone else. At school, teachers tell us what the end goal is for the class. At work, we know that a certain number of hours leads to certain total amount for our paychecks. There’s always something to guide us on our path, and sometimes it’s not the right path, but we take it and hope to succeed anyway. Sometimes we do succeed and it still may not feel entirely right.
If anyone reading is like me, then you’ll understand when I say I valued the reward. So much so, that I never took the time to value myself and what I really wanted. That’s weird, because I thought I did. I thought going to college, going to parties, being in a sorority, having a large group of friends was supposed to be my sole focus in life. At least that’s what Disney Channel taught me. If I can achieve these basic things, then I should be and will be valued in society. Well, I achieved them (mostly) and it didn’t fix anything. That’s not what those are supposed to do. The enhancements to my existence cannot be the root of my happiness. These achievements, albeit good ones for an awkward person such as myself, aren’t goals that I wanted for myself.
During this past year, I’ve been doing a dummy amount of self-reflection. It’s been torture. But I have been sorting through the mental file cabinet, meditating and things, trying to find out the meaning behind it all, and even when I feel completely hopeless, I can’t shake the idea that this is what I want. To place all my incoherent thoughts on a page in the most organized fashion that I can make. Although technology and I aren’t homies, we’re gonna work together to piece the ideas in my brain hole into a magnificent collage of what I am.
So this is (hopefully) my hard reset. I pray that it’ll be the last one I’ll need to do. I’m not a negative person (entirely,) I’ve just grown accustomed to negative things. Frankly, it’s fucking exhausting. I haven’t smiled genuinely, freely, unwarranted in a year and a half. That’s crazy for someone who wants to be spreading peace and light. I want to use my words to inspire those who feel like sinking into the depression hole. Whether it be through poetry, fictional/non-fictional stories, or the truths of what I see in this world, I want this website to be me on a page. Flaws and all, as I now believe this is the only platform I can use to be my most authentic self. I think we need something to remind us that it’s okay to be human. Especially after the year we had, I believe it was a wake-up call that we’re not being human. We’re simply preforming on a large-scale stage as if we are. We can’t go back to that, but we can unlearn and retrain our brains to what we, individually and collectively, can actually do.
It’ll take some work, I believe that my writing needs improvement and I’m definitely a scatter-y person, but I started this writing journey to write anything and everything that I could, so read anything and everything that you can. There will be new poetry pieces every Monday and new story time pieces every Saturday, perhaps some art involved, maybe something else. Who knows? Anything is possible. The site will be changing over time, as I do, but for now, I appreciate any support for my work as I work to build towards a brighter me.
As always, I wish y’all peace and happiness.