I am depressed.
I am not sad, I am not moody, I am not overreacting over
Every little thing
Although I’m overreacting over literally everything
But I am depressed
And every day, I am dying.
Do you know what that feels like?
It is being wrapped in a cocoon of your own bedsheets,
2:30 in the afternoon and you can’t
Find the strength to move.
It is wanting to see the shine of the sun, but not wanting the sun to show
You and your imperfections.
Wait until night
Fall back into anxiety.
The bad thing about going out at night is
Most ‘fun’ things require friends and
The only one you have is the voice in your head
Reminding you that you don’t have any.
And be careful, you’re young and beautiful,
Girls like you could wind up dead
Without a flock to protect them
So you stay in bed.
Watch tv shows on repeat.
Cry yourself to sleep.
Wishing for some steady dopamine.
On some days, you can emerge.
Do something productive and simple,
Spread out your wings to flap for
Put on makeup to feel pretty.
Go grocery shopping.
Or just drive around the city for hours, searching.
Searching for something that will garnish validation to your life.
A 5-course meal in present time.
Just get to dessert, and you’ll be fine.
But when you can’t see the end
And dinner feels like it takes hours,
You get burnt out and tired.
That need to go back to bed
Slips back into your head.
Your cocoon awaits to rewrap your emotions.
Like steel plates slam on your chest,
The heaviness of the world is nothing compared
To the whirlpool only in your sight.
See, that’s what my depression feels like.
It’s a black hole that represents me that I hate.
For some reason, I keep trying to find a way out.
I got sucked in a long time ago
And I didn’t plan to keep fighting round for round.
Every now and then, I get spurts of happiness
That make me feel like it’s going to be okay.
Funny thing about depression,
It doesn’t go away.
It just waits
In the back of your mind for the next thing
To go wrong
Attacks like you’re helpless prey.
In a jungle, I am being stalked by
The most ferocious predator.
I know that it’s waiting.
And I am still here.