Light from a LAMP

I remember the first time I truly felt like magic was real. Past all the ‘bibbiti bobbiti boos’ and ‘alohamoras.’ The first time I really saw magic for what it was.

I was seven, maybe eight. It was quiet day in the fall. It must’ve been a weekend because I was home in the middle of the day. And I used to love when the sky turned gray and the clouds started moving in. There was something about the smell of rain that used to be intoxicating. I can’t say that I’ve smelt that smell in a while.

I sat on the windowsill in the piano room of the house. Our windows were glued shut (that’s a different story for a different day) so I just had my face pressed to the glass, waiting for the rain to start. A true Bella Swan moment.

My mother left to the store or somewhere. She wasn’t going to be gone long, so my siblings and I were home ‘alone.’ Everyone else retreated to their rooms. I sat on that windowsill.

Our house was silent. Which was a first. No cats fighting, no dogs barking, no foot traffic up and down the stairs. Just quiet. Peaceful. And all the energy stood still for once.

And I could just breathe.

Time felt like it was moving in slow motion when those first drops fell from the sky.

I was suddenly in tune with the world around me.

I could feel the droplets as they hit the blades of grass like I was both falling from the sky and being splashed with water.

I was the breeze brushing through the bushes and every branch bundled together.

I was alive and so was the world beyond the glass and I felt free.

I felt magic. How everything is interconnected and plays a role in the grand scheme of the universe, true magic.

That was the first time I saw life.

I had already known death. But that’s a different story for a different day.

Whenever I feel empty inside, I try to come back to that moment. When the world just stopped, but I was still connected to everything. It gave me a clarity that I was too young to know what to do with at that time. But I think I got addicted to that sensation. And I’ve spent the majority of my life chasing that feeling when I wasn’t sure what I was going after.

I’m still not sure.

All I know is that I felt life. What life is. What it could be and I want nothing more than to break the glass in front of me and experience it for real. The true magic that’s surrounding us.

Maybe I’ll find it someday.